Deal or No Deal?

War memorial at Sir George Monoux School - now Sir George Monoux Sixth Form College

Yesterday saw the celebration of the end of the war in Europe - VE Day. I didn’t watch much of the celebrations on TV, perhaps I should have done. After all, it was all about the defeat of the forces of Nazi darkness which seems frighteningly current.

But it did remind me of my school days. In my school grounds there was a a memorial to former pupils of the school who had fought in World War II. They had died not much older than I was when I was at school.Our headmaster would often use the prayer of St Ignatius which includes phrases like, ‘to give and not to count the cost’, and 'to labour and not to ask for any reward.’

The spirit of the prayer contrasts with the contemporary emphasis on doing deals. The UK and the USA have struck a major trade deal this week. The art of the deal seems to be the major one to be learnt in economic and political matters. But the danger is that the spirit of the deal can enter into personal relationships too. It’s a matter of generosity vs reciprocity. Of course, it is much more complex than that. The two merge into each other very easily and if we’re honest with ourselves, we may not always be clear about our own motivations. Often, when we give, we do count the cost, we labour and secretly expect some reward.

But it is clear that while the art of the deal is inevitably part of our lives - we are naturally transactional from childhood with a strong sense of justice - we allow transactions to dominate our personal lives at our peril. ‘You scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours,’ needs to be replaced by, ‘I scratch your back and I will not demand that you scratch mine!’

So often the impasse that arises in personal or public relationships cannot be navigated because a certain generosity is lacking. While I have been navigating some difficult weeks recently, I have been on the receiving end of a number of acts of generosity for which I am very grateful and cannot immediately repay. But as an old friend used to say when we thanked her for her kindness, ‘Don’t try to pay it back, pass it on!’

Generosity creates its own momentum. The spirit of generosity is every bit as important as the art of the deal. This applies not only to material or measurable gifts but more importantly to attitudes. The readiness to think the best of another is a guard against the spirit of cynicism. The spirit of generosity is perhaps the only hope for a world based on calculation and cynicism. In the early days of any relationship, we have to learn to take that sort of risk. It can backfire badly but can also bring rich rewards. It may mean that we seem somewhat gullible; it may mean that we are open to exploitation. That’s a risk we have to take. But now and then, it pays huge dividends.

Many of the service men and women commemorated at my school and on war memorials everywhere believed they were fighting for freedom. They weren't thinking about 'striking a deal'. And they gave us the gift of freedom - a gift of inestimable value which we must pass on in turn to our children and grandchildren.